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But setting aside the Election from Hell, there were some bright spots in the year 2000:
NASDAQ went deep into the toilet, which meant we heard a LOT fewer stories about 22-year-old dot-com twerps making \\$450 million for starting companies that never actually produced anything except press releases.
The federal budget surplus got so huge that experts believe it could take Congress as long as 18 months to blow the entire thing on comically unnecessary pork-barrel projects such as the Museum of Ketchup.
Toward the end of the year, most people finally stopped thinking that it was clever to say ``Is that your final answer?'' and ``Whassup!''
You also heard almost nothing about Dennis Rodman.
So on balance, we're feeling pretty uncertain, in an undecided kind of way, as we take a reflective look back at 2000, which began -- as so many years seem to, lately -- with ...
... which opens with the entire world braced for the impending Y2K disaster, a story that had received more media hype than global warming and Britney Spears combined, with experts warning the public that the electricity could go out, planes could crash, the economy could collapse and renegade ATMs could roam the streets, viciously attacking pedestrians who were unable to remember their PINs.
As it turns out, the only technology that is actually affected by Y2K is the George Foreman Grill, which, at precisely midnight on New Year's Eve, suddenly starts ADDING fat to foods. Other than that, nothing bad happens, and on New Year's Day, all the ``experts'' admit that they were wrong, and refund all the money they received for giving flagrantly incorrect advice. And the Backstreet Boys win the Rose Bowl.
Meanwhile, the dawn of the 21st Century is celebrated around the world with extravaganzas in all the great cities, most notably Paris, which uses the Eiffel Tower as a framework for the most spectacular light show ever seen; London, which turns the Thames into a mighty river of fire; and Warsaw, which unveils the ``Millennium Kielbasa'' -- a 1,900-foot-long sausage stuffed with more than 50,000 pounds of high explosive that, when detonated, causes chunks of smoked meat to rain down festively all over central Europe.
In other foreign news, Vladimir Putin takes over as president of Russia, replacing Boris Yeltsin, who is forced to resign on New Year's Eve when the Kremlin runs out of vodka. In his inaugural speech, Putin, a former KGB agent, pledges to work for international understanding and maintain peaceful relations with the United States ``until we can refuel our missiles.''
The United States turns ownership of the Panama Canal over to Panama. Maritime experts quickly became concerned when Panama, seeking to boost revenue by transforming the aging waterway into a Disney-style tourist attraction, installs a ``log flume'' section. Pieces of disintegrated freighters are soon washing ashore as far away as Costa Rica.
In South America, the War on Drugs, now entering its 30th successful year, gets a nice boost when the U.S. announces that it is giving \\$1.3 billion more in aid to Colombia, which ducks into the bathroom eight times during the announcement ceremony.
On the domestic political front, Hillary Rodham Clinton makes the extreme personal sacrifice of actually moving into a house located in the state that she has selected to represent in the U.S. Senate. She pledges to ``be a good neighbor for the people of whatever the hell this town is.'' But the big news is in the Iowa caucuses, from which Al Gore and George W. Bush emerge as winners, despite strong objections from Palm Beach County election officials, who announce that they are not aware of any state named ``Iowa.''
President Bill Clinton orders a do-it-yourself ``Build-a-Legacy'' kit via the internet.
The big story in Miami is the intensifying legal battle over whether six-year-old Elián González will return to his father in Cuba, or be allowed to stay in the United States and enjoy the precious, constitutionally protected freedom to be displayed on network television every time he burps. In another South Florida development, state agriculture inspectors learn that eight lime trees in South Florida have been infected with citrus canker. As National Guard troops and tanks pour into the area, a state official states, ``We are not ruling out napalm strikes.''
In financial news, America Online announces the largest merger in history, in which it will acquire Time Warner in exchange for AOL stock valued at \\$160 billion, or, a little later in the week, $34.
On a sad note, legendary Mad cartoonist Don Martin dies, causing a sad hush to fall over the cartooning world, broken only by a gentle sound, coming from somewhere up above: SPLOINGGG.
In sports, the St. Louis Rams defeat the Tennessee Titans 23-16 in the Super Bowl. The Titans graciously concede, although Palm Beach election officials announce that, according to their scoring, Tennessee actually won by 257 points.
And speaking of seesaw battles, in ...
... the presidential primary campaigns heat up as Al Gore, Bill Bradley, George W. Bush and John McCain sweep through New Hampshire, then hustle down to South Carolina, then blast out to Wisconsin, then race up to Michigan, then, as a result of a faulty compass, charge deep into Canada, where, before discovering their error, they spend a combined \\$43 million on TV attack ads and hold several debates, in which Bush repeatedly refers to Canadians as ``the Canadish people,'' and Gore claims that he was born and raised in Montreal.
Meanwhile, Steve Forbes, who has spent untold millions of his own money in a hopelessly unrealistic quest for the presidency, finally comes to his senses and drops out of the race, declaring that he will now devote his energies full-time to becoming a power forward for the Los Angeles Lakers.
President Clinton, after working late many nights in the White House Situation Room, finally finishes building his legacy. He goes to sleep a happy man, only to discover, on awakening, that Buddy, the First Dog, has gotten hold of the legacy and chewed it beyond recognition.
On the financial front, in a chilling example of the growing menace of cyber-crime, unidentified hackers attack several major ``e-business'' websites, temporarily shutting them down, and thus preventing them from losing money anywhere near as fast as usual. Meanwhile, the Dow Jones Industrial Average continues to slide, dipping below the 10,000 mark for the first time since April of 1999. This causes great concern everywhere except Palm Beach County, where election officials have the Dow pegged at 263,000 and ``climbing like a rocket.''
In other Florida stories:
-- State agriculture officials score an important victory in the War on Citrus Canker when they manage to kill two of the eight suspected lime trees with a four-hour barrage of artillery fire. Unfortunately, they also -- ``you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs,'' notes one state official -- obliterate 237 homes. During the battle, the six other infected lime trees, aided by Greenpeace volunteers, are able to escape, setting off a statewide manhunt.
-- After decades of complaints about the inhumanity of its execution procedures, Florida switches from using the electric chair to lethal injection. Unfortunately, the first effort does not go well, as prison officials report that they cannot figure out ``how to get the electricity into the syringe.''
-- The official entourage surrounding 6-year-old Elián González reaches the 300-person mark, eclipsing the longstanding record held by the Mike Tyson entourage. In their continuing effort to show what a happy, normal life Elián is leading, his media advisors begin scheduling two playing-happily-in-the-yard photo opportunities per day for the throng of international news media personnel, some of whom have been pressed against the fence for so long that they will have chain-link indentations in their foreheads for the rest of their lives.
Charles Schulz departs gently and quietly, and a sorrowful world realizes that Charlie Brown will never, ever, kick the football. In sports, Tiger Woods wins the Pebble Beach Pro-Am, the Daewoo Classic, the Liquid Plumber Open, the Extra-Absorbent Depends Tournament of Champions and the Nebraska State Spelling Bee. And speaking of winning, in ...
... George W. Bush and Al Gore clinch their parties' nominations, thanks to a heartfelt outpouring of money from civic-minded special-interest groups responding to the candidates' calls for campaign-finance reform. John McCain and Bill Bradley both drop out, with each man declaring his sincere support for the opponent he has spent the past several months likening to pond scum. Remaining in the presidential race are Ralph Nader, representing the Flush Your Vote Down the Toilet party, and Pat Buchanan, representing the asteroid belt. President Clinton visits the Franklin D. Roosevelt Presidential Library and, upon exiting, sets off an alarm. Guards discover a piece of FDR's legacy in one of the president's pockets. Nobody can figure out how the heck it got there.
In economic news, consumers voice increasing concern over rising gasoline prices, which have climbed to record levels in almost every part of the nation except Palm Beach County, where election officials report that unleaded premium is selling for 14 cents a gallon.
In science, medical researchers announce that they have cloned a \\$100 bill, and will no longer be dependent upon federal grants.
TRUE ITEM: In the War on Smoking, several states take legal steps to protect major tobacco companies from an anticipated huge damage award in a class-action lawsuit. The states need the tobacco companies to stay in business, because, thanks to the tobacco settlement, the states now make more money from the sale of cigarettes than the tobacco companies do. If this makes no sense to you, it's because you're a human, as opposed to a lawyer.
In other product-liability news, Smith & Wesson announces that henceforth its handguns will be manufactured so that, when the trigger is pulled, a little stick pops out of the barrel with a flag that says ``Bang!'' The Clinton administration announces that it will oppose this plan on the grounds that the stick ``could poke out an eye.''
On Wall Street, the Dow plunges, then soars, then evens out for a little while, then -- in a move that alarms many observers -- briefly switches to degrees Fahrenheit.
In New York City, Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, angered by charges that the city's police are overzealous, angrily defends the department in a press conference that ends abruptly when a Daily News reporter raises his hand and is shot 467 times. A review board later rules that the shooting was justified on the grounds that ``there was no way to tell that the finger was not loaded.''
ANOTHER TRUE ITEM: In a stunning journalism coup, ABC News reporter Diane Sawyer stands on her head AND gets squirted with Silly String by international superstar celebrity news object Elián González. Through these and other professional investigative-reporting techniques, Sawyer is able to show, in a heavily promoted exclusive interview, that the six-year-old boy is, in fact, a 6-year old boy.
Elsewhere in Florida:
-- The War on Citrus Canker escalates as state agriculture authorities fire more than 23,000 rounds in a shopping-mall shootout against a gang of renegade orange trees, resulting in numerous civilian casualties. Unfortunately, all the trees manage to get away, but authorities confidently report that one of them ``lost a lot of sap.''
-- Scandal-plagued Miami International Airport suffers yet another setback when inspectors discover that the new air-traffic control tower, which has been under construction for two years, is actually a tree fort. ``And not a particularly well-built tree fort, either,'' the inspectors add.
-- Dan Marino retires, causing hundreds of sports-talk-radio callers to stop complaining that he stinks and start complaining that the Dolphins are going to really stink without him.
In a major upset at the Academy Awards, the Oscars for Best Film, Best Director, Best Screenplay, Best Actor and Actress, AND Best Supporting Actor and Actress all go to Tiger Woods.
And speaking of drama, in ...
... the tension in the Elián González case nears the breaking point as the boy's father flies to the United States and -- this is a great country -- immediately acquires a nice suit and roughly 50 lawyers. Meanwhile, the U.S. Justice Department demands custody of Elián, only to be shrewdly outmaneuvered by the Miami relatives, whose own lawyer squadron files legal briefs arguing that (1) there is no ``Elián González'' and (2) he is taking a nap. As tempers flare and street protests turn increasingly ugly, Miami-Dade County Mayor Alex Penelas seeks to defuse the situation by sternly declaring that, in the event that people decide to riot, ``we certainly won't stand in the way.''
The drama reaches its zenith in the predawn hours of April 22, when a team of U.S. Border Patrol officers is able to gain entrance to the Miami relatives' home through the clever ploy of knocking on the door and shouting ``Candygram for the Miami Relatives!'' The agents burst inside and snatch Elián from the arms of Donato Dalrymple, who has come to be known as ``The Fisherman,'' because it sounds better than ``The Publicity-Grubbing Parasite.''
Within hours, the streets of Miami are filled with throngs of people shouting and blocking intersections. This is pretty much normal.
In another landmark legal action, the federal government's marathon antitrust case against Microsoft comes to an end when a federal judge finds the software giant guilty of being successful. In what will prove to be a fateful ruling, the judge orders Microsoft to split into two smaller companies, one of which will continue to make the ``Windows'' operating system, and the other of which will immediately begin manufacturing Firestone tires. In response, the NASDAQ, for the first time in its history, closes at exactly equal to pi.
On the legacy front, President Clinton, with his official entourage of 3,500, flies to Tonga in hopes of brokering a historic peace agreement, only to discover that, tragically, Tonga is an isolated island nation that has not been at war with anybody for centuries. Tongan officials express regret, and promise to give Mr. Clinton a holler if they spot any hostile-looking canoes or anything.
On a happier note, the year 2000 census goes smoothly, with preliminary results showing a shift in U.S. population from the Rust Belt to the Sun Belt, particularly Palm Beach County, which reports a gain of 157 trillion residents.
In sports, Vijay Singh wins the Masters golf tournament and is awarded the coveted green jacket, which is quickly snatched away by angry Buick executives and given to Tiger Woods.
And speaking of competition, in ...
... the presidential race heats up as George W. Bush proposes an idea that he came up with recently while reading an index card, which is to allow younger workers to take some of their Social Security money and, as the governor puts it, ``investisize in the stocks market or professional baseball teams or whatever and thusly enjoy the labors of their fruits.'' Vice President Al Gore immediately criticizes this plan as a ``risky scheme'' that could result in ``millions of dead senior citizens,'' which in turn ``could impact global warming.'' Polls show that this is a hot-button issue with the public, with 50 percent of likely voters wishing they had two other candidates to choose from, and the other 50 percent agreeing.
In legacy action, President Clinton flies to Wales, where he holds high-level talks with a number of officials, only to be informed that they are members of his own entourage.
In medicine, the American Academy of Pediatrics reports that it has finally tracked down 7-year-old Matthew Parmogaster, believed to be the only remaining boy in the United States not being treated for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). A team of camouflage-wearing doctors is able to creep close enough to the youngster to bring him down with Ritalin-tipped blowgun darts.
In business news, United Airlines announces that it intends to purchase US Airways, a move that will enable United, in the words of its official statement, ``to nearly double the number of daily flights that we cancel without warning.''
Computer networks around the world are temporarily paralyzed by an Internet virus called the ``Love Bug,'' which gets its name from the fact that it causes computers to mate with other types of office equipment. It is eventually brought under control, but not before spawning a host of Mister Coffee machines capable of playing world-class chess.
In sports, Fusaichi Pegasus wins the Kentucky Derby, whipped to a strong finish by a nine-iron-wielding Tiger Woods. In conservation news, the National Park Service, concerned about the buildup of unwanted brush in the Los Alamos, N.M., area, decides to solve the problem by setting a fire that burns down 260 homes. ``We suspected that these homes might contain unwanted brush,'' explains a Park Service spokesperson. This bold action does not go unnoticed by Florida citrus-canker fighters.
Speaking of bold action, in ...
... Vice President Gore unveils his own plan to save Social Security via a complex system of tax credits, grants, loans, stern lectures and mandatory home composting, which Gore would personally direct via a daily two-hour broadcast from the White House. Texas Gov. Bush, after being briefed on the Gore plan by aides using hand puppets, dismisses it as ``an unwarrantied inclusion upon the whaddyacallit.'' Polls show many voters looking into Norwegian citizenship.
Fears are raised that U.S. security has been seriously breached when the Los Alamos National Laboratory discovers that it has lost its nuclear secrets. Laboratory officials express shock, noting that the secrets were kept in a special secure box tied shut with two pieces of string and clearly marked ``NUCLEAR SECRETS! DO NOT TAKE!'' Fortunately, the mystery is solved a few days later, when the secrets are discovered safe and sound in the home of a laboratory worker whose 8-year-old daughter, Amber, had taken them to her elementary school for a special ``Show and Tell'' session attended by the second through fourth grades and six special guests from China.
In weather news, the East Coast braces for what experts predict could be a busy hurricane season. Palm Beach County reports four feet of snow.
On a cultural note, the hugely popular TV show Who Wants To Be a Millionaire has its first million-dollar winner when an Ohio man correctly answers Regis Philbin's final question: ``What color is my tie?'' (Answer: ``The same color as your shirt.'')
On the legal front, the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency announces a ban on molecules, which, according to an agency spokesperson ``can join together and form chemicals.''
Meanwhile, an obviously testy U.S. Supreme Court, in an 8-1 ruling, orders Antonin Scalia to stop cracking his damn knuckles. In a historic international development ending 50 years of Cold War hostility, South Korean President Kim Dae-jung meets with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il. They sign a formal pact in which they agree to henceforth address each other as ``Buddy,'' then flee, escaping a warm Bill Clinton embrace by mere seconds. On a sadder note, Syrian President Hafez Assad dies; in an official statement, Vice President Gore recalls that he and Assad ``often raced camels together,'' while Gov. Bush extends ``deepest sympathy for the widow, Mrs. President Syrian.''
Jeff MacNelly, a regular guy who was also a genius, leaves this world for one where beer is plentiful, cigars are welcome and all the cars are 1959 DeSotos.
In sports, the U.S. Open is not actually held, because it's more efficient to just mail the check to Tiger Woods. And speaking of victories ...
... begins with a stunning upset of the ruling party in the Mexican presidential election, which is won by underdog challenger Vicente Fox, aided by an unexpected 4.3 million votes from Palm Beach County.
In U.S. politics, George W. Bush meets with his top advisors, who inform him that, after careful consideration, he has selected, as his running mate, Dick ``Dick'' Cheney, thus balancing the ticket by including a person who speaks at least some English. Bush and Cheney are formally nominated at a convention in Philadelphia featuring a prominent display of minorities, some of whom -- in a stark departure from GOP tradition -- are not holding hors d'oeuvres trays. The convention is also marked by street demonstrations held by angry young people who hate capitalism and consumerism, and are determined to fight these evils until it's time to go back to college.
In legacy action, President Clinton, desperate to forge a lasting Middle East peace, brings Yasser Arafat and Ehud Barak to Camp David. Finally, after two weeks of exhausting round-the-clock negotiations, the talks are broken off because neither man can remember what country he represents.
The U.S. missile-defense system suffers yet another setback during a much-publicized test when an interceptor missile, which is supposed to hit a mock warhead high over the Pacific Ocean, instead slams into the newly refurbished Washington Monument. Military officials, seeking to put a positive spin on the mishap, note that the monument had ``a very suspicious shape.'' In domestic news, the South Carolina state legislature, in a move that angers the state's traditionalists, votes to abolish slavery.
In Florida courtroom action, the jury in the civil lawsuit against cigarette manufacturers hands down a harsher-than-expected verdict, ordering a dozen top tobacco executives to be beheaded. In another controversial ruling, a federal judge orders Napster.com, the popular Internet music-exchange site, to ``put some Wayne Newton on there.''
In cultural news, bookstores around the country are swamped with orders for the fourth Harry Potter book, Buy This Book Or Your Children Will Hate You. U.S. profits total tens of millions of dollars, all of which will be paid to settle broomstick-related lawsuits.
Walter Matthau goes to that big, messy apartment in the sky. In sports, officials of the Baseball Hall of Fame correct a longstanding oversight by voting to induct Tiger Woods. And speaking of winners, in ...
... Vice President Gore, in a historic move, selects as his running mate Sen. Joseph Lieberman, who is a member of the Jewish faith, which Gore co-founded. Lieberman boldly declares that he is in favor of God, and demonstrates this by demanding th at the Hollywood community ``stop making disgusting and immoral movies'' but ``please continue to give us money.''
Lieberman is seen as a solid choice, but there is tension at the Democratic convention in Los Angeles, where the Gore camp suspects that Bill Clinton is trying to hog the limelight. A Clinton staffer denies this, claiming that ``security considerations'' led to the decision to have the president enter the convention hall riding a chariot drawn by lions.
In other entertainment news, Monday Night Football debuts Dennis Miller, hired as a color commentator to boost ratings. The first broadcast goes well, as Miller interacts well with play-by-play announcer Britney Spears.
In consumer news, owners of certain models of Firestone tires receive an troubling notice from the manufacturer urging them to ``lock yourself in your bathroom immediately.'' Congress holds emergency hearings, but is unable to get testimony from Firestone tire designers, who are busy working on an improved new ballot for Palm Beach County.
On a positive automotive note, the nation is captivated by the story of 83-year-old Tillie Tooter, who survives three days trapped in her car in a swamp. Police later determine that she was run off the road by Florida state agriculture officials, who suspected she might be carrying infected citrus trees in her trunk. In angry response, a Florida jury orders the tobacco industry to pay another \\$300 billion in damages.
Speaking of survivors: The summer's surprise hit TV show, Survivor, climaxes when the other contestants vote to elect, as the grand-prize winner, Richard Hatch, best known for walking around naked. Hours later, in what aides for each side claim is a coincidence, Al Gore and George W. Bush both hold ``town hall'' meetings in the nude.
Tiger Woods is kidnapped by rival golfers, sedated, handcuffed, placed in a straitjacket, wrapped in chains, and locked inside a trunk which is then weighted with concrete blocks and dropped into the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean. He easily wins the PGA Championship.
And speaking of crime, in ...
... the Midwest is terrorized by a vicious outlaw gang that robs a string of banks by threatening to put Firestone tires on the tellers' cars.
But the real excitement occurs in the political arena, where Al Gore and George W. Bush spend much of the month sparring vigorously over the critical question -- foremost on the minds of every American -- of what will be the format for their debates. Gore proposes a series of 17 debates, 15 of which would consist entirely of the vice president reading selected portions of his book Earth in the Balance, soon to be released as a major motion picture featuring Alec Baldwin as an endangered species. The Bush camp counters with a proposal for one debate, to consist of a round of horseshoes, man to man, with no talking. The two sides finally settle on three debates: one in the standing format, one in the sitting format, and one with both candidates in a hot tub with Jim Lehrer.
Meanwhile, both Bush and Gore seek to impress the voters with their qualifications to hold the world's most powerful office by appearing on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, The Late Show with David Letterman, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, The Oprah Winfrey Show, Judge Judy, Sesame Street, Gilligan's Island, Scooby Doo and -- most notably -- Teletubbies, where Vice President Gore claims that he was the inspiration for Noo-Noo the magic vacuum cleaner, and Gov. Bush, in a controversial move, kisses Winky Winky on the lips.
On the issues front, Gore proposes that the federal government reduce gas prices by releasing oil from the nation's strategic petroleum reserve, kept in giant salt domes in Louisiana.
Despite opposition from Gov. Bush, who criticizes the plan as ``an act of fragrant perspiration,'' President Clinton orders the release of 30 million barrels of oil. The joy of consumer groups soon turns to alarm as a 15-foot-high wave of petroleum wipes out Baton Rouge. Everyone agrees this is no big loss. In another consumer development, Kraft Foods voluntarily recalls millions of taco shells after discovering that some of them contained genetically altered corn. A Kraft spokesperson stresses that the tacos are ``perfectly safe,'' provided that they ``are handled properly'' and ``never allowed near children.''
In legal news, the U.S. Justice Department, which has been holding Los Alamos physicist Wen Ho Lee in jail for 18 months after identifying him as a major atomic spy, announces that it has reduced the charges to two counts of improper parking. Also getting good legal news are Bill and Hillary Clinton, who heave a sigh of relief when the special prosecutor investigating Whitewater announces that, after years of investigation, he has no earthly idea what ``Whitewater'' is. The president declares that he is ``proud and humbled to join the ranks of such big-legacy presidents as George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy, who also were never indicted in connection with Whitewater.''
In Florida, state agriculture officials escalate the scope of the War on Citrus Canker to include ``any object that is yellow or orange.'' Within a week, state crews have destroyed 5,000 school buses, 27,000 traffic cones and Donald Trump's hair. Outraged, a Florida jury slaps another \\$500 billion in damages on the tobacco companies.
The international highlight of September is the Summer Olympics, which were actually held in Australia in July but are just now reaching the United States. The delay results from the broadcast format chosen by NBC, which has decided to make the Olympics interesting to U.S. viewers by adding soundtracks, breaking away from the competition to show dramatic profiles, and using computers to digitally replace foreign athletes with popular NBC sitcom characters. The highlight of the games, without question, is the thrilling moment when -- with the entire Australian nation cheering as if with one voice -- the women's 400-meter race is won by Frasier star Kelsey Grammer.
Unfortunately, the Olympics also produces some unhappy moments. Suspicions of drug use are raised by the noticeable buildup of syringes on the bottom of the swimming pool. And the women's gymnastics competition is marred when the vault is set an incorrect height of 57 feet by volunteer officials from Palm Beach County. But all in all it is a fine Olympics, with 39 gold medals going to the United States, 32 to the Russian Federation, 28 to China and 2,038 to Tiger Woods.
Unfortunately, the spirit of international friendship is nowhere to be found in ...
... when the Middle East again erupts in violence, touched off when a sacred Jerusalem religious site is severely damaged by an errant interceptor missile being tested for the U.S. missile-defense system. The Pentagon blames the malfunction on the fact that the missile ``was, in violation of proper procedure, equipped with Firestone tires.''
In another major international development, massive street protests in Yugoslavia force the resignation of President Slobodan Milosevic, who is replaced by Vojislav Kostunica, who promises to ``work toward a day when every Yugoslavian citizen has a pronounceable name.'' Milosevic, ending 13 years as a dictatorial thug, flees to the United States, where he takes a job in customer service.
Meanwhile, the U.S. presidential campaign reaches a fever pitch as Al Gore and George W. Bush, both of them briefed to the point of incoherence, face off in their three debates. When it's all over, observers agree that each man managed to clearly define himself as the owner of several dark suits. With the polls showing the race to be neck and neck, it becomes clear that the outcome will be determined by undecided voters who, to judge from their post-debate focus groups on network TV, have rock salt for brains. (``Dan, I'm concerned about health care, because I keep wandering into traffic.'')
In consumer news, Kraft Foods reports that a genetically altered corn plant has escaped from its laboratories. A Kraft spokesperson warns that the plant should be considered ``eared and dangerous.''
In Florida, torrential rains bring widespread disaster, as thousands of homeowners are trapped by rising water, forcing state agricultural officials to drop bombs on their citrus trees from helicopters.
In sports, New York City goes nuts over the first ``subway'' World Series in 43 years, which is won in convincing fashion by the New York Mets, who, behind the strong relief putting of Tiger Woods, destroy the overpaid Yankees and their obnoxiously arrogant fans. (If you disagree, write your own year in review.) And speaking of historic clashes, in ...
... the U.S. presidential campaign finally stumbles to what everyone believes is the finish line as millions of Americans go to the polls and, in the sacrosanct privacy of the voting booth, exercise the most cherished right of this glorious democracy: The right to screw up their ballots. Hints of trouble surface early in Palm Beach County, where many voters, asked to sign the voter rolls, write their names on floors, walls, each other, etc.
But the real confusion starts on election night, as the major news networks, relying on statistics provided by the Firestone Quality Control Division, first announce that Gore has won Florida; then that Gore has NOT won Florida; then that Bush has won Florida; then that Bush has NOT won Florida; then, briefly, that Florida has settled on the late William Howard Taft. As dawn breaks, confusion reigns; veteran CBS anchor lunatic Dan Rather sums up the situation for his viewers with the old country saying: ``This race is like a goose trying to catch a mackerel with a pork chop in his vest pocket and a frying pan on his UHHHHH.''
At this point Rather is, mercifully, felled by a tranquilizer dart, but the rest of the nation is left in a state of confusion regarding the election outcome. Fortunately, this is America, and not some unstable Third World nation, so within a matter of hours, the confusion is transformed into much, much deeper confusion. The skies darken over Florida as hundreds of thousands of lawyers parachute into the state from bombers supplied by the Bush and Gore campaigns; most have filed lawsuits before they hit the ground.
Soon it is impossible to turn on any TV channel, including the Home Shopping Network, without seeing an expert (defined as ``a person wearing makeup'') explaining the incredible cosmic complexities of ``chads'' which are tiny squares of cardboard that contain, hidden somewhere deep in their molecular structure, the intents of voters.
The state is engulfed in court battles, such as the case in Chalupa County, where an election worker fed his Pop-Tart into the ballot-counting machine. The machine registered this as a vote for Pat Buchanan, but Democratic lawyers make a strong case that it clearly intended to vote for Al Gore. Gore himself begins holding hourly round-the-clock press conferences to declare that ``in America, every vote must be counted, whether it is a vote for me, or a vote that, if you hold it up to the light and stare at it long enough with very little sleep, appears that it might be for me.''
Meanwhile, lawyers for the Bush campaign pull every legal string to prevent any change in the final Florida count, which shows Bush ahead by two votes, both cast by Mr. Waldo Hamperthumper, who lives abroad and whose absentee ballot is postmarked July 3, 1947. Helping the Bush cause is Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris, a Republican, who -- in a move that Democrats charge is beyond her legal powers -- certifies that Bush has won not only in Florida, but also Ohio, California and Michigan. While all this is going on, Dick Cheney suffers his 43rd heart attack, but quickly declares through his oxygen tube that he is ``feeling fine'' and is ``ready to resume consulting with Gov. Bush about what he thinks.''
The wild uncertainty of the presidential election overshadows some big political news at the state level, most notably the U.S. Senate races in Missouri, which elects a dead person (Orson Welles) and New York, which elects Hillary Clinton, who, in her first official act, hires Brad Pitt as an intern. In non-election news: Israeli and Palestinian leaders agree to end the violence, then cement the pact by punching each other in the mouth. Spain immediately files an appeal.
And so the year staggers to its conclusion with the nation mired in a toxic swamp of public cynicism and corrosive partisan bitterness that could eat away the foundation of our democracy. And yet, even as earthbound humans wallow in petty squabbles over chads, something wonderful and hopeful is happening in the heavens: The crew of the space shuttle Endeavour, piloted by Tiger Woods, completes a major phase in the construction of the international space station -- a place where, one day, scientists from around the world will work in harmony for the betterment of mankind.
Hours later, the station is shot down during a test of the U.S. missile-defense system.