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Political Stories   Political Jokes   Political Quotes   Al Gore I Am



Al Gore I Am




Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count, I will simply throw them out!

I will not let this vote count stand,
I do not like them, Al Gore I am!

Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears.
What do you mean, "Dubya" has won?
This is not fair, this is not fun!
Let's count them upside down this time.
Let's count them until the state is mine!

I will not let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!

I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit!
You have not heard the last of it!
I'll count the ballots one by one.
And hold each one up to the sun!
I'll count, recount, and count some more!
You'll grow to hate this little chore.

I will not, cannot, let this vote count stand.
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!

I won't leave office, I'm staying here.
I've glued my desk chair to my rear!
Tipper, Hilliary, and Bubba too,
All tellin' me that I should sue!
We find the electoral college vile!
Recount the votes until I smile!
We do not want this vote count to stand!
We do not like it, Al Gore I am!
How shall we count this ballot box?
Let's count it standing in our socks!
Shall we count this one in a tree?
And who should count it, you or me?
We cannot, cannot count enough!
We must not stop, we must be tough!

I do not want this vote count to stand!
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!

I'll count until my fingers bleed.
And still can't fulfill my counting need.
I'll count the tiles on the floor.
I'll count and count and count some more.
And I will not say that I am done,
Until the counting says I've won!

I will not let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!

What's that? What? What are you trying to say?
You think the current count should stay?
You do not like my counting scheme?
It makes you tense, gives you bad dreams?
Foolish people, you are wrong, you'll see!
You're only care should be for me!

I will not let this vote count stand!
I do not like it! Al Gore I am!!!!!!!



Quotes



“In America anyone can become president, that’s just one of the risks you have to take”
"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job" --George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign
"This is a great day for France!" --Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'" --George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students
"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks." --George Bush
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." --Dan Quayle
"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." --Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that is." --Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund
"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland." --William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address
"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." --George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline
"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me." --George Bush
"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed." --Ronald Reagan
"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." --Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." --Dan Quayle
"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed." --Ronald Reagan
AND GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL DEBATES: Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize. Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- J. Danforth Quayle
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." -- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." -- Vice President Dan Quayle
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89
"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." -- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88
"I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good judgments in the Future." -- Vice President Dan Quayle
"The future will be better tomorrow." -- Vice President Dan Quayle
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." -- Vice President Dan Quayle
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89
"Public speaking is very easy." -- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." -- Vice President Dan Quayle
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Vice President Dan Quayle
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." -- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90
"For NASA, space is still a high priority." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make." --Vice President Dan Quayle
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Vice President Dan Quayle
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." -- Vice President Dan Quayle



Jokes



What do Monica and Bob Dole have in common?
They're both upset Clinton finished first.

They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence.
Turns out he didn't tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.

How will Clinton build his bridge to the 21st century?
Apparently while part of a federal prison work release program.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate labrador.

What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.



Stories




The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men & a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Bus Full of Politicians

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."



Monica's Dress

Monica Lewinski goes into her cleaners with a dress to be cleaned.

As she enters, she sees that Mr. Lee, (the owner of the cleaners and whom is hard of hearing), is in the back. She yells, " Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, It's Monica. I have a dress to be cleaned." Mr. Lee yells, "Come again". Monica says, "No, it is gravy this time."



Time Pieces in Heaven

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.

St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's President Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."



33 Gallons

A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal.

As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong.

The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset. He does not have the \$33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire."

The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations."

The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?" The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"



The First Pitch

The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row at a Yankee's game. The row behind them is filed with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and wispers something into the Presidents's ear.

Mr. Clinton pauses then grabs Hilary by the scuff of the neck and heaves her over the railing! She falls 10 feet to the dugout, kicking and screaming obcenities.

The President shakes hands with those near him, getting "high fives".

The Secret Service Agent leans over again and whispers, " Mr. President, I said, -

"They want you to throw out the "FIRST PITCH!"



And I just Killed the Pig

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.

About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?", asked Bill.

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.

"My God, what did you tell them?", asks Clinton.

The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."



A call from Hillary

Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant!

She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the white house.

When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well they rang the oval office and Bill answered. Hillary started screaming: "Do you know what you did you lousy jerk? You got me pregnant!!! The President remained silent. Again, Hillary shouted, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU #\$@&# GOOD-FOR-NOTHING JERK? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"

Finally Bill answered "Who is this??"



Clinton, Dole and Perot on AF-1

Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a \$100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this \$100 bill out and make someone down below happy."

Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my \$100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy."

Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, "I would instead take 100 \$1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier."

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."